TIme goes at a steady beat. It’s interesting how at times it seems to go faster, or appears to go slower. Time has always been one of my biggest enemies. I don’t know if that’s something I’ve made it, or if I was doomed at birth and it’s naturally against me. In any case, I have been struggling with it for as long as I can remember. In every single way possible… For example, when you have this great thought and you’ve decided that you want to write it down somewhere so you won’t forget. Maybe it’s the fact that you can’t find a pen, or you’re just at the wrong place at the wrong time, but by the time you’re able to write it down you totally forget. That’s Time slapping you across the face. You’ll never remember that thought or idea that would’ve been a good addition to a book you hope to write someday… Another example - I often think there’s something I could have done to change the course of events in my life. Something that would have prevented something bad, or would have made a situation better. But the Time has passed and it’s too late… People forget because of Time. There’s no holding on to it. Unfortunately. Time is a distance, a measurement. But I can’t help but believe that distance is just an illusion. Maybe Time is an illusion. I’m fighting something that I can’t see, something that has it’s grip around my neck and casually lets go only to tease. There’s no victory with Time. People will forget you. Everything will eventually fade into nothing. It’s crazy to think about. It almost makes life seem ridiculous, posing the favorable question,
"What’s the point to life?"
We meet people, if we’re lucky enough, we’ll meet the right people - the ones that make life worth living. Maybe someone who loves you so much and won’t let you go, you know, true love… I believe in it honestly. But besides that, it kinda seems like we’re confined on this planet with dreams of seeing it and all of nature’s beauties but only a few of us ever do… The rest of us have to deal with the products of the world rather than the products of Mother Nature, and by that I mean the shit we’re supposed to believe, and the people that live by those guidelines. there has to be more to life than waking up every morning as a young boy, going to grade school, eventually college, having a group of friends that never live out their dreams, engaging in drugs and becoming slaves to these substances, eventually working for the rest of our sorry lives… Is it that hard to find happiness? Do we really need someone else to be “complete”? I’m not venturing into some new ideas - I’ve read plenty of books with the same thoughts, I’m just wondering, from my experience I guess.
I haven’t slept much. I don’t eat much either, I turned pizza down today. What the fuck is wrong with me?
A lot of stress derived from myself, my thoughts and shit. Also what lies in my near future, missing out on my brothers’ lives, my family and my life as well, of course. My biggest fear is myself, and it so happens that I’m being locked in a cell with my own worst enemy…along with Time, smiling in the corner of the room - that bitch. I take that back, he’s been very kind with me, I was lucky enough to meet an amazing individual, who I’ve learned so much from - in so many ways, learned about life, people, vegetarianism, music, what it means to love, and of course about myself. It’s crazy the amount of stuff we don’t know about ourselves, and what’s more crazy is how much you can learn from someone you spend a large amount of time with. For about 3 years I was lucky enough to know the queen of my own little fucked up world.
It’s cool how lucky I was to have that. I would argue to say that I was perhaps the most luckiest person to have what I had with her. At the same time, the most unluckiest for losing her. It was my fault, and I can never forgive myself. It’s hard to sleep. It’s hard to function at times. These next 2 years will be a challenge, Walking Through the Desert Alone. and these past months since have been fucking shit. But I guess it’s what you deserve, my friend. Fuck you. Fuck you for hurting everyone you get close to, you end up hurting yourself. You’re an asshole, violent minded fuck. A sad excuse for anything that can inspire. You try to love yourself but you couldn’t love those who love you the way to keep them. You were blessed, fucker, you were blessed with an angel, now you sob like a fuck, wishing and praying and all this shit, you deserve the emptiness you feel. The feeling of being cut off before being able to spill your guts about how you feel. You’re being forgotten by her and everyone you worked on relationships with in the past 3 years. Where’s your friends? Where’s your family? Where’s your fucking dogs you loved? Fuck you for being the person you are. I’m not mad at anybody for the shit you’re going through but myself. You. There’s no one to blame but yourself. Fuck your tears and your lack of sleep, kill yourself when you feel at your lowest, you don’t have to go through prison. You can stab yourself bitch. You forgot about yourself. Now look where you’re at. I want to love you. I want to so bad, but I can’t stop feeling hatred towards you every time I look at you in the mirror I’m tempted to smash it to pieces.
Okay I’m done.
I don’t know what the fuck your gonna do… There’s no escape is there?
All the people you used to know are gone. It seems like nobody wants you. Maybe I’m getting what’s best of me.
But honestly, there’s no place that I’d rather be, than in her arms, in her bed, wrapped in her blankets - the sweet smell of everything I’ve lost. I can’t believe how much I still think about you.
I can’t believe how deeply in love with you I still am. I fucking love you. I’m so sorry for the shit I put you through. I fucked it all up. I pray everyday to rid myself of my feelings because I know you’ve rid yourself of the feelings for me. I know you’ve completely moved on, or so it seems. I hope you’re fine… I worry a lot about you. I want the best for you. I’m sorry for everything I put you through KK. I’m sorry for holding my tongue when I wanted to bathe you with the way I feel. Maybe you wanted that. I’m sorry for the things I didn’t do but thought of. I’m sorry for killing the part of you that wanted me. I’m sorry for showing you how beautiful love can be then showing you how cruel it can be also. Call me whatever you want… But love you.
I just can’t seem to fucking stop. I force myself and shit.
I think of something new that I miss every damn day. Today’s was how much I enjoyed singing with you in my car while we smoked our cigarettes - I used to light yours for you sometimes, remember? Do you do this with someone else now…? I don’t want to be sad, lonely, hungry for something I can’t have… Starving. I don’t want that. I want the city back, to walk around holding the hand of an angel. Where did the Time go? I want it back.